By Lindsay Dodgson, INSIDER
- High achieving, intelligent women can sometimes struggle to have the same success in their romantic lives as they do at work.
- Relationship coach Sami Wunder thinks this is because they are too used to approaching their dates with their "masculine" energy.
- This means they apply what they learned at work to be forceful and in control to their dating lives. But you can't achieve love this way, Wunder said.
- Masculine and feminine energies are polar opposites of each other, and people should be in touch with both to have the healthiest relationships, she said.
- Otherwise, successful women can tend to attract men who are too passive, and they tire from always putting the work in.
During the first few dates with someone, you're both on your best behavior - laughing at each others' jokes, flirting, and acting genuinely interested in what the other person is saying.
But after a few weeks or months, things can turn sour, and the relationship might fizzle out. That's if you're not ghosted first.
This even happens to women who are high achieving and successful in their careers. They know exactly how to get what they want at work, so why do they find it such a struggle to get a partner to commit?
Relationship coach Sami Wunder thinks she has figured out why.
"Somehow when a man is in front of them they're not their best selves," she told INSIDER.
Wunder said the problem lies with women wanting to impress the men they go on dates with.
"We feel like we have to work hard for love," she said. "And that's the same psychology that we apply in work, in business - if you work hard you get success."
Wunder calls herself the "Modern Diva's Love Coach," meaning she tends to work with women who use a lot of their "masculine" energy to be forceful, driven, and be in control.
In their love lives, they need to learn to lead with their "feminine" energy, she said, which is essentially realizing you are loved for who you are not what you do, and allowing yourself to sit back and relax.
Wunder, who runs a seven-figure company, knows what it's like to be a successful woman on the dating scene.
"We are so used to doing it in our work spaces that when we show up to a date, we're still doing it," she said.
"We offer to pay, we open doors, we don't wait until he reaches for the check ... In some sense we are not dating to receive love, we are dating to get validation, to achieve something."
But you don't "achieve" a partner, she said. You have to invite and attract them into your life.
When women are always leading the conversation and trying to impress their dates, they attract a partner who is more passive, Wunder said.
When she first started dating her husband, he told her it was nice that she let him treat her to dinner, and how she allowed herself to receive and take his effort, even though he knew she was successful herself.
"We have a very confused society, where we don't know anymore what fosters love," Wunder said. "We all want it but we don't know how to receive it, or access it."
Love requires vulnerability
Wunder said people, especially women, need to learn to be vulnerable in love, which is hard when you're in the habit of always having your guard up.
"We don't want to open our hearts to anyone," Wunder said. "We want easy, quick sex, convenience, and then [to] not move beyond that point. I believe this is a crisis in today's society."
It goes the other way, too, and Wunder said the best matches are with partners who are in touch with both their feminine and masculine energies. Men who are in touch with their feminine side are more sensitive and better at listening. But it's when the balance tips too far one way that problems occur.
For instance, when women lead with their masculine energy, they attract men who are more in their feminine. They tend to tire of always being the ones to plan dates and trying to push the relationship forward, according to Wunder. Some women are happy always to lead, she said, but most are not.
Many women come to see Wunder and say men are intimidated by their success. But believing this is a self-fulfilling prophecy, she said, and if you start to approach dates without the need for appreciation and validation, you'll be much more likely to meet someone who is right for you.
"I think the biggest game changer is the self love," Wunder said. "When you start to dig in to the hearts of these amazing women, you find that their identity and their worth is defined by what they do and what they achieve. So these are women who if they can do more, they feel more worthy."
This can be why strong, smart, successful women can end up in abusive or toxic relationships. They think that if they just keep giving more to their partner, they will eventually turn things around.
"This is the most important thing we have to turn around, that I am valuable because I am," Wunder said. "It has nothing to do with what you're achieving on the outside ... A man doesn't fall in love with you because you've led so many meetings, and been on TV, and travelled the world and can speak five languages. He falls in love because of the connection he feels with you."
Wunder knows her work has been done when her clients stop trying so hard to impress partners that are completely wrong for them, and they start attracting people who are right.
"The belief is if I'm to self interested, or if I draw my boundaries I will lose a man," Wunder said. "Yes you will probably, but then he's not the right man for you."
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